“Where [there is] no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy [is] he.” Prov. 29:18

When I was in high school we had to pick a topic to write about in English class and I picked “The meaning of life”. I can still remember my teacher’s response as she looked at me with raised brows and a surprised look saying “I’m really looking forward to reading that”. But it was actually something I had been searching for and thought if I picked that topic I would somehow find some answers. Only, as we all know, that’s not how it works nor is it what happened with me. Much to my dismay, I never did find any answers to the meaning of life and was forced to pick another topic to write about.

I was 16 years old at the time and had been depressed and suicidal for a while with flashbacks of abuse I had suffered at a very young age. Suffice it to say that I, like a lot of others, had been bruised and battered by the world and learned that people couldn’t be trusted. I could find no purpose or meaning in my life up to this point and life at times felt like a dream to me. I felt detached from everything. This should have been a time of hopes and dreams, ambitions and goals, but I had nothing but emotional pain, self-loathing, anger, depression and was very suicidal. I started drinking and using drugs to escape everything, but the only thing that I succeeded in doing was amplifying what I had already been feeling, and piled on the hopelessness of it all.

It wasn’t until I was 26 years old that I felt like I had woken up from this nightmare that was my life and decided enough was enough. I was on the road to self-destruction and had to get off of it quickly, before I succeeded. Initially, I knew it was up to me to make the decision to stop living my life that way, little did I know of the true help that awaited me in Christ Jesus.

So, deciding to get clean and sober, I went through detox twice in two years. The first time I was too embarrassed to tell anyone or to go to meetings, so my sobriety didn’t last long. The second time was different, I didn’t realize it at the time but I believe it was the Lord that put it on my heart to go stay in a halfway house. I had cried out to the Lord and thought He didn’t hear me, but He did and He knew what I needed. I knew that if I left this year long program at the halfway house I would die. During that time I was still depressed and suicidal so they allowed me to see a therapist from an outside agency. My therapist was wonderful and I’ll always appreciate the help that she was to me in the 5 years that I saw her, but there was still something missing because I was still depressed and suicidal.

Then, one day while alone in my room I remembered something my sister told me a while ago, she said you should invite Jesus Christ into your heart, ask him to be your Lord and Saviour and repent from all your sins. I did just that. As soon as I spoke the words, “Jesus, I invite you into my heart, please be my Lord and Saviour. I really need you.” I had a vision of Jesus standing before me with his arms opened wide ready to receive me, and I was a 5 year old child running into his arms. Jesus picked me up and hugged me so tight and told me He’d take care of me. I believed him, and was instantly changed. I felt like someone had just removed the world from off of my shoulders and I was on a honeymoon with the Lord after that. People couldn’t help but notice the new change in me, so much so that the counselors at the halfway house had me drug tested because they thought I must be on drugs again. I told people of the vision of Jesus and I tried to describe to people the way I felt, and the only thing I could say was I felt so much peace. If someone were to have slapped me in the face it wouldn’t have even bothered me. It was the peace spoken of in Philippians 4:7 “And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” I didn’t walk with the Lord at the time, so it was inevitable that I would stop feeling the peace of Christ, and it was all my fault.

In my second year of recovery, after leaving the halfway house, my friend from AA/NA came to visit me at my apartment confiding in me that he had almost killed himself the day before and proceeded to tell me how he had planned to do it. I was at a loss, and didn’t know what to say. He was on psych meds for depression and confessed these made him feel worse and hopeless. I remember asking him about his wife and child, what it would do to them? He said he had made arrangements for them and they’d be better off without him. I asked about calling his therapist for him, but he refused. I felt helpless in saying or doing anything for him, understanding the hopelessness he was feeling, but nothing I said could change his mind. I found out a few days later that he killed himself exactly the way he told me. I was devastated, feeling guilty I hadn’t done more for him.

Two years later I found myself in the exact same position again, only this time it was my best friend Julie who was now telling me she had almost killed herself the day before. She had been into the occult since I had known her and communicated with spirits of which she knew nothing about. She had become depressed and suicidal, which was actually shocking to me because I had always been the one that wanted to die and by this point had attempted to take my own life too many times to count. Julie wasn’t normally suicidal. I didn’t know what to say or do for my best friend except to express my concern and tell her how much I loved her and how much I would truly miss her if she killed herself. I reminded her of her mother and nephew, whom she loved dearly and they loved her, including the rest of her family, but nothing and no one mattered. She was also on antidepressants and all the pills that go along with side effects of those pills and also suffered from Fibromyalgia so she was on medication for that too. She had started suffering from severe mood swings because her psychiatrist  kept “adjusting” her meds to find a “balance” for her. She had told me she knew exactly how many of each pill to take to kill herself. Then, on July 31, 1994, my best friend killed herself by taking all the pills that she told me she would take. Whether she realized it or not it just happened to be on my birthday that she took her own life. It was another confirmation that “Where there is no vision, the people perish…”

My best friend’s suicide threw me into a tailspin and I started feeling detached again, like nothing was real. I wandered around aimlessly for a while, and realized that life still goes on with or without her. Her mother came to me seeking answers as to why her daughter would take her own life, and I had no answers for her. Her 16 year old nephew was the one that came and told me about her death. I felt so bad for him because he was close to his aunt. But I had no answers for anyone including myself.

At Julie’s funeral everyone that I spoke to said the same thing after taking one look at her in the coffin, they all said she doesn’t look like she’s at peace at all, and I had to agree. We all drove to the cemetery after the funeral and I still remember how hard it hit me when they lowered her coffin into the hole and started filling it with dirt. I started sobbing. Heartbroken and devastated, I felt like it should have been me in that grave and at the same time, for some reason, a part of me felt like she took my place.

Not long after my best friend’s death, I had decided that enough was enough, I was so sick of feeling suicidal and I knew a big part of my failed suicide attempts were because I was afraid of going to hell. But now I was mad and sick of feeling depressed and suicidal and I was sick of trying to “work through it”. I even insisted my therapist put me on antidepressants, thinking that would help, even though I lost two friends who were on them and I felt it really did make me worse. Enough was enough, I decided I was going to see to it that I finally did kill myself and got it right this time. So I drove to a town that had a small mountain in it, I knew there was a fire tower on the top, so I climbed up the mountain and to the top of the fire tower, then climbed the railing. As I stood on the railing I remember shaking uncontrollably because I knew this was it and I just cried out to the Lord and asked for his forgiveness for what I was about to do.  All of a sudden I heard voices from below and when I looked down there were four kids who had skipped school that day and they were climbing up the path below and I knew I couldn’t kill myself in front of them and mess up their lives too. So I quickly got off of the railing before they saw me and climbed down the mountain. I remember driving home screaming my head off and crying my eyes out the whole way home. I was so mad that I still didn’t do it. After I was done with my temper tantrum I began to realize that God had saved my life that day and even though I didn’t know why, I realized he probably spared me on all the other attempts I had made too, and I couldn’t even imagine why He would bother with someone like me.

A few months later, on Thanksgiving day, I stayed at my sister’s house, knowing they would go over to their pastor’s house for dessert later that day. I had already decided that I would not go unless my sister made a fuss. That’s exactly what happened. When they were ready to go I said I didn’t want to go, but she almost insisted that I go, so I went.

At the pastor’s home we were seated at a large round table in the dining room, and Terry (the pastor) was reading from the Bible to his father on how to become born again.  Romans 10:9 “That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation”. Terry’s father wanted to accept the Lord that day and wanted to make sure he did everything right. I was sitting just a few seats away, listening intently to what was being said and although there were a lot of other people around I didn’t hear or see anyone but the pastor, it was so supernatural, even time stood still. Then I started to feel an inner turmoil, which I now realize was a spiritual battle going on within me. A part of me wanted to run screaming from the room, and another part of me couldn’t move. I finally broke down crying on my sister’s shoulder who was seated right next to me and said I want that. She asked me what it was that I wanted, and I told her I wanted Jesus. She then asked me if I believed that Jesus came and that he died for me and my sins and is now raised from the dead. I said “yes, I believe that”. I believe I was delivered instantly of evil spirits that day, like in Luke 8:2 where it talks about Mary Magdalene and how she had been delivered of spirits “…and certain women, which had been healed of evil spirits and infirmities, Mary called Magdalene, out of whom went seven devils…” I cried tears of joy for three days straight. A true miracle from God had taken place in me that day, I had truly become a new creature in Christ. It was exactly as written in 2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore if any man [be] in Christ, [he is] a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” My old life had passed away, I now had a new life in Christ. My slate had been wiped clean and I had hope.

“Wherefore remember, that ye [being] in time past Gentiles in the flesh, who are called Uncircumcision by that which is called the Circumcision in the flesh made by hands;
  That at that time ye were without Christ, being aliens from the commonwealth of Israel, and strangers from the covenants of promise, having no hope, and without God in the world:
  But now in Christ Jesus ye who sometimes were far off are made nigh by the blood of Christ.” Eph 2: 11-13

I moved closer to the fellowship where I became born again, because I knew the Spirit of God was there and they had the testimonies to prove it. I still struggled with depression and suicide after fellowshipping there for a short time. I had the whole fellowship lay hands on me and pray for deliverance of the “spirits of depression and suicide” and I was instantly delivered of those spirits and have never felt depressed or suicidal ever since. That’s when I came to truly know and believe that depression and suicide are spirits that bind us and have a right to us, whether inherited or if we open the door to them. They are insidious and ruthless and would love nothing more than to take people to hell with them. Some of the other things I was delivered from were drugs and alcohol addiction, smoking, swearing etc. I no longer consider myself a drug addict or alcoholic in recovery, because God delivered me of those spirits. It is exactly what AA/NA is missing, Jesus Christ.

My friend Julie was into the occult and calling on spirits that she knew nothing about and I can’t help but wonder if they could have contributed to her death. I also had dabbled in the occult when I was younger by going to a fortune teller and had messed with a ouija board as a child, all of which was done in ignorance and does open the door to those spirits, so I had to renounce those spirits and repent of all those things. I didn’t stay on the antidepressants for long after I became born again. The mood swings, sleeplessness, thoughts of suicide and other side effects were taking their toll and the bottom line was that they didn’t help me at all, they made me worse.

Everybody’s experience with becoming born again is different, some people didn’t feel any different because it was a more gradual experience for them. For me, everything good that has happened to me, with me and in me has all been from God. I cannot take any credit for any of it. I lived my life the way I wanted to and it lead me to hell, destruction and almost death. I only survived because of God’s loving mercy on me. It’s only by His son Jesus Christ that I have salvation and hope. Jesus healed my broken heart of stone and gave me a heart of flesh. I can actually feel love, which is something that had eluded me for years. He broke the chains of alcohol & drug addiction, depression, suicide and so many other things that had me bound. All that Jesus has done for me is best reflected in his six fold ministry found in Luke 1:18-19;

“The Spirit of the Lord [is] upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, To preach the acceptable year of the Lord.”

He told me he’d take care of me and he has been so faithful to do just that. I now have hope and purpose through Christ Jesus, and I now know that the meaning of life is to first and foremost have a personal relationship with God through his Son Jesus by the power of the Holy Spirit. As stated in Rev 4:11, “Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created.” I know that if I don’t have Jesus, I don’t have anything because He truly is everything to me. There’s Jesus, then there’s everything else, nothing compares to Him…nothing.

“Seek ye the LORD while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near:
  Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the LORD, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.
  For my thoughts [are] not your thoughts, neither [are] your ways my ways, saith the LORD.
  For [as] the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
  For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:
  So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper [in the thing] whereto I sent it.” Isaiah 55:6-11

If your interested in what the bible says about the end times and drugs, check out this article about Drugs in the Bible.