God wants His children to be free. This is one of the first dreams of true Fatherhood: freedom for the children.

This is a testimony about the sort of freedom God is most interested in giving us – freedom from the weight of that personal sin which “so easily besets us.” It is a testimony about hearing God’s voice of deliverance and rejoicing in its truth, even if it is not too flattering when it is first heard in the heart.

I was not a novice Christian when this deliverance took place. I had already been a Christian for more than four years. I had already been delivered, by the grace of Jesus Christ, from many of the usual lusts that plague a young man early in his life. I had been an alcoholic, a drug addict, and all-around renegade. I had chased after “youthful lusts as the Scripture so discreetly puts it, and had suffered the repercussions that go along with such imprudence, foolishness, and gross conduct.

God had shown me that these things were not so much the sin themselves, but more a symptom of sin in me. I drank and did drugs because I liked the false sense of power, the loss of inhibitions, the pathetic courage, and the spirit that they excited in my soul. The real sin in me was things like; fear, selfishness, envy, hatred and rebellion. In the four years that I had been a Christian, God had shown me a great deal about these destructive forces dwelling within my flesh. Like Paul I had been convinced by God’s gentle criticism to the point where I could definitely say, “For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing.” Romans 7:18

But I was by no means completely delivered or perfect. By my zest for sin I had piled up a wide-range beliefs and actions contrary to God’s nature and way of doing and thinking. My wife has stated from time to time that I am the most confrontational person she has ever met. Though I think that is a slight exaggeration, it is part of my character. I like to try and sort things out at the moment of the controversy, rather than letting, to paraphrase the Bible, the “sun go down on my wrath”. When we do that in the right spirit for the right reason, to try and get at a beneficial conclusion or understanding for everyone we are peacemakers. When we intimidate people to get our own way we are merely bullies.

I had always hated bullies. Maybe I had been bullied as a youngster. I don’t know. I know I really cared about my peers and what they thought about me, so I know I was ‘bullied’ in that way into doing many things to people that were regrettable and worse. As a child I had moved from one neighborhood to another. I became an experienced hand at dealing with bullies and trying to handle intimidating situations. In this I was not unusual. The world is an intimidating place. I had felt the cruel hand of a bully more than once. I had seen the effects on unfortunate others and despised it.

When I became a Christian, I understood quickly that intimidation was one of the greatest weapons Satan uses to rob people of all sorts of good things in the spirit. He robs us of truth, health, love and righteousness by bullying tactics if he cannot do it by stealth. He can rob us even of joy, even salvation if we allow him to. Intimidation and bullying is among the stock-in-trade of Satan and his minions, and, of course, the spirit of the world, and wherever false religion is to be found. How unfitting it must be when we find it in the brethren. But sadly, it can be found even in the pious and devoted follower of Christ without one even being aware that it is hanging on grimly to the soul.

I had no trouble seeing that Satan is the bully of all bullies. I already knew that bullies only went away when confronted. As long as they were given free reign they would steal, rob and terrorize. I hated bullies and was on a mission, self appointed, not God appointed to erase their influence anywhere I found it. I was sort of a spiritual Wyatt Earp deputized by God for cleaning up Dodge City. Or, so I thought.

But, alas, what do we know about the depths of our own sin? Sin is a great deceiver and I couldn’t have been more deceived about myself and my “mission” against bullies. Only Christ can show us the real truth and deliver the “bad news” to us in such a way that we are not condemned by it, but excited and happy about it instead. Our spirit leaps within us because it is the truth and we sense that the truth will set us free. This particular moment of freedom, brought by the truth of Jesus’ word spoken in my heart came as many powerful moments of deliverance come. It came unexpected, with no public display and no supernatural manifestation of a spiritual gift. It came in a private moment with no one around to talk me out of it, explain it, or convince me otherwise.

I had argued over finances with my wife earlier that afternoon. It was nothing too violent, just another controversy in what seemed to be a growing series of arguments about who would control the bank account. It was the same series of debates and arguments that take place in thousands upon thousands of homes of young married couples across America every day. In most cases this jockeying for financial control is brought on by fear, greed, or control issues or some kind of lack of trust or worthiness by one or both parties. In Christ this series of debates is often what is needed for things to be sorted out so they can be done the Lord’s way. I don’t remember the details of the fight but I do remember it was over the checkbook and who would be in charge of “keeping” it.

I remember that nothing had been resolved by the time I was forced to leave to keep an engagement. I don’t know what I thought about on the 45 minute ride there. I was probably asking the Lord to enlighten my wife so she would be reasonable and see things my way. I was probably fuming about not having things done the way they ought to be done – the Terry Smith way. That is as good a guess as I can make but I honestly don’t recall anything about the ride down. I don’t even remember who I was going to see, or the reason for my visit. But I do remember with absolute clarity a specific moment on the ride back.

Somehow, as I drove along the Lord had managed to calm me down and bring me to my senses. There was no radio going, just the steady hum of the van tires on the black pavement. I was enjoying the peace and quiet of being alone with the Lord. The Lord and I were conversing about this and that, probably about my wife’s problems and how I could help her – I don’t really remember the topic, just that the Lord and I were communing and my heart was growing with the sound of the Master’s loving voice in my heart. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, the Lord changed the subject. It was an interjection that seemed to have nothing to do with the subject at first, but actually had everything to do with it.

He said to me, “You know, you’re a bully.”

Instantly, I thought to myself “I couldn’t have heard that right. The Lord cannot possibly be talking about me. I hate bullies. I have always hated bullies. Bullies are just about the worst thing there is.” I was caught completely off guard. If the Lord had said I was crazy, or reckless, or weak, or too loud, I could have readily believed it. If He had told me I was too uncaring or selfish, or egotistical, it might have figured. These flaws I knew where part of my “fallen” character. But BULLY? A BULLY, Lord?

”Not me? Lord. How can I be a bully? I hate bullies” I said. The Lord simply answered softly. ”No, you’re a bully”.

Just as instantly as I had thought I could not have heard correctly, I knew in my heart it was true. I was a bully and had been all my life. I had used intimidation to get my way and had preyed on anyone who would submit to my tactics. I had learned it the way a person learns any trade secret of sin, by experience, example and trial and error. I’m sure demonic spirits had helped me along and I know my hatred of bullies fueled my obsession. The irony of sin often is that the very thing we hate, because we are hateful of it and not forgiving, is the very thing we turn into ourselves. Sin is a deceiver in this way. The sin of being a bully, intimidating people and feeding on their fears to get what one wants, had come in the back door and lodged in my flesh. My own blindness and form of self-righteousness had kept it under wraps. I truly had no clue I was a bully. But I was. When I heard this news from the Lord, as shocking as it was, I was excited and thrilled. The Lord had said it to me in such a compassionate way that I knew He would help me dispose of this sin in my life. He would give me the grace, if I wanted Him to, to resist the temptation to prey on the weakness of a person just to get my way.

He would increase my faith to trust Him to work things out. I could lay down my weapons of intimidation. Getting people to do things the godly way was His problem and responsibility, not mine. I was so ecstatic about the prospect of being delivered from this flaw in my character that I wanted even more deliverance right then and there. I asked the Lord, “Is there anything else in my life that I need deliverance from?”

I believe, if the Lord can be astounded He was with me in that moment. His Spirit replied, “Yes, Terry, but I won’t tell you now because you would not be able to comprehend it.” Let’s just take care of the bullying for now. I laughed a little at my own foolishness for asking such a dumb question and went back to gliding happily home on the belief that my bullying days were numbered. When I got home I went straight in the house and was greeted in the kitchen (that place were so much spiritual discussion seems to take place in our house) by my wife and parents. They may have still been concerned about the argument and the stewing problem of unresolved financial conflict in our home. I don’t know. They weren’t overly concerned, or stressed out about it, but it was still hovering in the air when I greeted them. Excitedly, I began telling them about my exchange with the Lord. I told them I had some news for them. I said God had showed me I was a bully. They didn’t say it, they were too polite, but I saw it in their eyes – they had known I was a bully. This was not news – except to me. Just as no one has to tell a person who gets stung by a wasp that they feel pain, and no one has to inform the guy who slams his thumb with a hammer that he just got hurt, no one has to tell the victims of a bully that they have been bullied.

Inside I had to laugh. I was the last to know. Isn’t that always the way. We’re the last to know. Our sins are often so apparent to others and we are blinded by our own self-righteousness. But Christ came to give us light. When that light shines into the dark recesses of our heart we become enlightened and then we are freed. Then the shackles of sin are broken and we are free to take another step toward walking even as the Master walked when He humbly strode among men. We talked at length about bullies and how contrary it is to God’s ways and the fruits of the Spirit. We talked about Christ’s walk and His meekness. We talked about the glee of knowing the truth about ourselves and the promise of having the old man peeled away to reveal the new man like a worm that has burst forth from its cocoon as a beautiful soaring butterfly. Man, was I excited with anticipation. Another change in me was in the works.

A by-product of the revelation about my sin was that I gave the keeping of the checkbook over to my wife. That was many years ago and she’s been its “keeper” ever since. Though it was not the way my father ran his household, it was the way the Lord wanted our household to operate. I can’t tell you the number of times over the years that I have thanked God for working it out that I did not have the additional burden of doing the finances. It’s a tremendously hard job. My wife had the time and was far better equipped to do it than I ever would have been. Fortunately, God knows what He is doing, because we certainly do not.

The revelation of my bullying tendencies did not mean I would never again encounter the problem or have to fend off its influences on my soul. I stay on my guard not to slip back into the “old man”. That is always a possibility and as soon as I am alerted to its presence in my behavior I have to be willing to repent of it and turn back to trusting God. When I fall I need forgiveness, have to ask for forgiveness. I have learned that if I want God’s will to be done, as it says in the Lord’s prayer, then I can trust Him that it shall be done. What God asks of His people is not bullying, or hounding, or hoarding, or harassing people into doing His will, but faith in him and trying to be like him, hoping to be like him, to be a true partaker of the Divine Nature. God does not bully people into doing the right thing, He convinces them by the power of the sweet Holy Spirit to do the right thing. What He asks of me is prayer and trust and obedience.

I thank God that He showed me I was a bully. I never liked bullies and I know that if I had come to the conclusion of my life and found out the truth, that I had been a bully, I certainly would not have liked myself at all. Jesus, by His God’s honest truth, has freed me from recklessly and selfishly hurting others, but He has also freed me from being extremely disappointed in myself, from hurting myself. How kind God is to us all.